Let’s be realistic—comic books have brought us some of the most powerful and amazing heroes and villains to ever exist. But with every floating alien or metal-clawed mutant, there is a character whose powers appear to have been dreamed up during a creative lull (or perhaps after downing one or two too many energy drinks). There are some powers so weird, impractical, or outright useless that they become memorable—albeit for all the wrong reasons. Here are 10 of the most absurd superpowers ever to be published.
10. Mr. Immortal
Being immortal is the ultimate brag. Until you realize that’s the only thing Mr. Immortal’s got working for him. He doesn’t get to fly, fight, or move heavy objects—he just can’t die. Which is to say that if you toss him over a cliff, he’ll wake up eventually at the bottom. That’s not saving the world—it’s just surviving it.
9. Hepzibah
Skunk-breathed alien with a bushy tail, super agility, and pheromone manipulation, Hepzibah is less of a Marvel hero and more of a rejected Pokémon. She’s agile, sure, and has night vision, but her most notable feature is that she can release pheromones, which, in most fights, doesn’t necessarily shout “threat.”
8. Jazz
Having been a mutant in the Marvel universe typically involves possessing some flashy, battlefield-capable talent. Not so for Jazz, whose mutation is simply that he has blue skin. That’s it. No laser beams, no enhanced strength—just a different color. He attempted a rap life (it didn’t take) and met a forgettable demise. Unfortunately, Jazz was less of a fighter and more of a footnote.
7. Razorback
A human ham in more than one sense, Razorback has the incredible ability to… drive anything. Planes, trains, spaceships—you name it, he can drive it. Oh, and he sports a huge hog-shaped helmet that gives off electric shocks. He’s a strange combination of trucker and novelty act, and even Spider-Man couldn’t increase his cool quotient.
6. Phone Ranger
A.G. Bell—yes, his real name—was a phone repairman who was granted the ability to connect to telecom equipment with his alien-powered suit. Even helpful in a landline world, Phone Ranger became immediately outdated. In a smartphone-centric universe, his set of skills is essentially what your Bluetooth already accomplishes.
5. Almighty Dollar
This accountant-turned-hero has one of the most laughable gimmicks in comic history: he shoots pennies from his wrist. J. Pennington Pennypacker (yes, again, really) essentially weaponizes spare change. Maybe that’s useful if you’re battling a vending machine, but against an alien invasion? Not so much.
4. Squirrel Girl
She talks to squirrels. She climbs things. She gnaws through wood. While these may sound like a set of completely unconnected talents, Squirrel Girl has somehow managed to defeat major villains like Thanos and Doctor Doom. Her wins are more meme than merit, but you’ve got to admire her nutty persistence.
3. Cypher
Cypher’s talent is the ability to speak and understand any language, from human to alien to computer. Wonderful if you’re negotiating peace agreements or debugging extraterrestrial Wi-Fi. But in the event of a superpowered fight club, his talents don’t quite fill your heart with fear. Even the comics freeze him out for a bit before reviving him. Customer support?
2. Hindsight Lad
If you’ve ever had someone tell you what you should have done after something’s gone wrong, you’ve encountered your live-action Hindsight Lad. His power? Hindsight. He’s the fellow who arrives late, second-guesses your choices, and disappears before the next emergency. Useful? Not so much. Pesty? Yep.
1. Arm-Fall-Off Boy
And atop the list is one of the most ridiculously bad ideas ever printed. Arm-Fall-Off Boy can detach his arms and wield them as bludgeons against his enemies. That’s it. They don’t have super strength, they aren’t immediately regrowable—he just yanks them off and starts clubbing. It’s not so much “super” as it is “sad party novelty thing.”
Comic books are replete with bold concepts and thinking outside the box. But occasionally, that creativity crosses over into the absurd. Nevertheless, even these bizarre characters have their niche—if only to serve as a reminder that not all heroes must be heroic in the classical sense. But merely memorable.